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Thread: A Redneck's Guide to Drinking Wine

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    Moderator Speedy1's Avatar
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    A Redneck's Guide to Drinking Wine

    Just a little tongue-in-cheek essay regarding the drinking of wine and other spirits, inspired by this recent article on CNN...


    http://edition.cnn.com/2016/01/18/lu...ses/index.html


    If you're a Redneck like me, then you're tired of being told how to drink your chosen beverage by uppity folk. Nevertheless, there is some sense to most of what they say. Therefore, I offer this "Redneck's Guide to Serving and Drinking Wine" (and other alcoholic beverages)...


    1) Hold the glass the way it "wants" to be held. If the glass has a long, thin stem... then you should be holding it by the stem. That way, your hand doesn't affect the temperature of the wine.

    2) Simple Redneck's rule for serving wine... put Red Wine in the fridge 30 minutes before serving, and take White Wine (which has been stored overnight in the fridge) out of the fridge 30 minutes before serving.

    3) Tell all of your uppity friends that plastic corks are superior to real corks. You're Correct! Screw tops? The jury is still out on that one.

    4) Anybody can make a good wine, and it doesn't have to be old to be good. That's truth! However, there are a few exceptional old wines... especially reds.

    5) Red wine goes with beef and white wine goes with fish? F That! Drink whatever you like, with whatever food that you like.

    6) Why are champagne flutes so different in shape from the plastic wide-mouth cups at weddings? Those wedding cups are made to gulp. The flutes allow you savor the champagne in sips before the carbonation disappears.

    7) What is Cognac? Cognac is just brandy, which is just distilled wine. "Cognac" refers to brandy from a specific region of France.

    8) Will wine make me sick? Most red wines will give you a nasty hangover. Most brandies (cognacs) will do the same, although it's tough for most people to drink a lot of brandy. A semi-sweet, semi-dry, white wine will usually leave you in a condition that will allow you to drive home in the morning.

    9) Which glass should I serve my wine in? Simple answer... Use the big ol' honkin' glass for the reds, and the more petite glass for the whites.

    10) Is it OK to re-cork the bottle and drink the rest later? In general... within 3 or 4 days... yes. Young (sweet) whites tend to last longer than old reds. Cork them tightly and keep them in a cool, dry place (fridge is OK for most wines).

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    Moderator Speedy1's Avatar
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    1) "Straight" or "Rocks" glasses... Nice, thick glass is good. It keeps your hand from changing the temperature of the drink and melting the ice too quickly.

    2) Brandy Snifters... That tiny little stem encourages you to curl your fingers around the bowl of the glass, which gently warms the brandy. Heating the glass/brandy with a flame is amateurish.

    3) Whisky (or Whiskey) shot glasses are usually more wide and shallow than typical shot glasses. This adds to the aromatic effect of the shot.

    4) Vodka Shots: When in Russia or Ukraine, never refuse a vodka shot or sip the shot. It's considered to be disrespectful.

    5) Highballs: Most bartenders pour the liquor on top of the mixer, so that the drink seems stronger at first... so that you don't give them shit about it. If you like your cocktail poured/mixed a different way, then specify that when you order it.

    6) Beer: Beer in most of the Western Hemisphere is served quite cold. Most Germans or Englishmen would tell you, "Americans like their beer served cold, so that they don't have to taste it!" Be prepared to be served warmer beer in Europe.

    7) Tall Glass versus Short Glass: In most bars, the glasses hold Exactly the Same Amount of Liquid. This has been a source of bar bets for decades.

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    Moderator Speedy1's Avatar
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    1) Most bartenders in the USA will pour your beer down the side of the glass, which reduces the "head." This also has a negative impact on the flavor of the beer. A beer should always be poured down the center of the glass... and then, preferably, the head should be "shaved off", and the beer should then be quickly refilled or served. As an alternative, the head may be allowed to settle, but you lose some of the flavor as you wait for the head to settle.

    2) No good bartender will take offense when you tell him how you like your drink prepared. If you like your Martini "shaken, not stirred", then just say that... without sounding like an asshole. A good bartender will prepare your drink exactly the way that you like it, with a smile.

    3) If Your Girl is with you, make sure that your bartender knows that she is Your Girl. This will eliminate a lot of potential problems.

    4) Never order "Shots for the Bar" or "Shots for the Bartenders." No good will come of it.

    5) If a bar fight appears imminent, tell the Bartender, and then just walk away. No good will come of it.

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