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Thread: Squeeze Ketchup bottles, etc.

  1. #1
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    Squeeze Ketchup bottles, etc.

    I grew up in the 1970s, with those glass ketchup bottles in all of the restaurants. I've shaken it, beaten it against the side of the table, shoved my knife, and even, on occasion, my finger inside the bottle, in a desperate attempt to get the ketchup flowing. I've dealt with this issue so many times that I had lost all hope, and had learned to eat everything without any ketchup. Dry fries... yummy...

    Then, one day, in my late 20s or early 30s, i walked into a restaurant and saw this miracle of modern science sitting on the table...


    heinz-kraft-2.jpg


    A squeeze bottle of ketchup in a restaurant! Finally! How did it take mankind so long to figure that one out? I'm elated as I squeeze the ketchup out. Then, I ask the waiter, "Oh! Can I have some mustard, please?" The waiter answers "Sure!" and shortly returns with THIS...


    mustard.jpg


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    The waiter set the bottle down on the table, and I looked at him with that look that your Mom used to give you when you told her that space aliens stole your lunch money and your new jacket.

    I said to the waiter... "No WAY this is happening! Do you mean to tell me that I have waited 30 frickin' years to be able to easily squeeze some ketchup onto my fries, and NOW some Retard at Heinz has decided to duplicate the decades-old ketchup-bottle fiasco with something that I'm supposed to call 'Pourable Mustard' while keeping a straight face?"

    The waiter answered, "I'm sorry sir. That's the mustard that we have. What can I do for you?"

    I answered, "I know it's not your fault. You don't buy the mustard. But this is quite literally the most ironic thing that I have witnessed in years. Do you have ANY other kind of mustard, in ANY other kind of container, AT ALL?"

    The waiter said, "No, sir. I'm sorry."

    I said, "Then I have a proposal for you. I'm not going to make a scene or get angry. What I propose is this... I'm going to remove the cap of this 'Pourable Mustard' bottle and turn it upside down. If mustard doesn't drop onto my plate within 10 seconds, I'm going to take the butt-end of this very substantial stainless-steel dinner knife that you have provided for me, and I'm going to whack this bottle right in the middle of the label and crack this bottle right in half. Then I'm going to use my spoon to dig out the mustard that's inside the bottom half of the bottle. Is that OK?"

    The waiter said, "This is the most interesting thing that I've had happen to me at work in months. Go For It!"

    I removed the cap and turned the 'Pourable Mustard' bottle upside down. Ten seconds later, there's not a single drop of mustard on my plate. I said to the waiter, "I'm shocked." Then I took my knife and whacked the bottle good, right in the middle. There were a few bits of glass, but it was actually a pretty clean break. The people sitting at the table to my left started clapping, and one of the guys at that table said, "After you're done with the bottom half of that bottle, can I borrow it? I'd like some mustard, too!" I answered, "Of Course!"

  2. #2
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    want to see the picture of the broken bottle...

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    Moderator Speedy1's Avatar
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    That was a long time ago. Didn't even have a cellphone then. I wouldn't recommend it in a fancy restaurant.

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    Quote Originally Posted by hccr3010 View Post
    want to see the picture of the broken bottle...
    Although it's not a broken mustard bottle in a restaurant, the finished product looked something like this:

    6151176-broken-glass-bottle-in-the-sand.jpg


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    Couple of funny things about this...

    1) I told a friend this story a couple of years ago, and he said, "Well, restaurants like glass bottles because they can be refilled and reused." I answered, "You mean, just like the plastic squeeze bottles?"

    2) The Heinz company's literature for "Pourable Mustard" says -- and I am NOT joking here -- that pourable mustard is great because it's easier to spread. I'm like, "Then WHY does it need to be POURABLE?!"

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    Moderator Speedy1's Avatar
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    One trick that does work every time (for me at least) is one that I had never seen or heard of until I was 45 years old, and it's brilliant.

    I've tried all of the tapping tricks, but I always feel weird when I don't do it quite right and it doesn't work. They don't always work, especially if the bottle is new and the ketchup is cool or chilled. Also, pouring out of that thin neck (and also, squeezing out of a bottle) actually ruins the texture of the ketchup. High-quality ketchup can change from its naturally thick state to a thin liquid with just a little pressure. That's why gourmet ketchup (and high-quality mustard) comes in a wide-mouth bottle or jar, so that you can scoop it out with a knife or spoon.

    -----------

    However, as I mentioned, this one works, and you don't attract attention when people start to hear and see you whacking on a ketchup (or pourable mustard) bottle. Take a drinking straw, and hold the ketchup or mustard bottle tilted down at a pouring angle (45 degrees-ish). Stick the straw straight down the middle until it touches the bottom, then draw it out in one smooth motion. And get your hand out of the way, because the ketchup... she is a-comin'!

    [note: it actually does help to drag the straw against the inside of the bottle's neck as you draw it out]

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    what has always worked for me is tilted down at a pouring angle (45 degrees-ish) and hitting the bottle with palm of your hand where it says 57

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