View Full Version : Useless Hotel Amenities

12-06-2015, 07:36 PM
I've posted a few times about items that I believe all hotels should provide. For example:

1) Free Bottled Water: The tap water in Costa Rica is high-quality stuff that is perfectly safe to drink, so I don't care whether there is bottled water in my room or not. But... If your hotel Does provide bottled water in the guest rooms... charging money for that bottled water just makes you look like a Douche.

2) Toothpaste: I actually believe that all 3-Star and higher hotels should provide a full range of toiletries... But they should at least provide toothpaste. I got Shampoo And Conditioner... I got Soap And Body Wash... But I ain't got no freakin' toothpaste. For about 2 years, I actually made a special effort to ask the maid for Two Bottles of Conditioner, every single day of my stay. For a while... The cardboard box that my Printer came in was completely full of mini-bottles of Conditioner.


But I've posted that information, which includes many, many more items... On several occasions.

This post is about the hotel amenities that I have encountered that actually made me just drop my jaw and say, "Huhhhhh?... Whaaaat?"

1) Portable Room Safe: Truly a classic. I thought to myself, "Well, isn't that considerate! The robbers don't have to rummage through the drawers, the closet, and my bags to find all of my valuables. All of my important and expensive shit is stored in a handy, portable container!"

2) Stationery: OK... 30 years ago, every hotel had a little stationery kit in the guest rooms, and that made sense. But in 2015? I checked into a hotel just 3 months ago, and inside of the desk in my room was a gorgeous, leather-bound stationery kit, complete with ultra-high quality parchment-style paper and matching envelopes, both domestic and international stamps, a leather-covered notepad, and two pens. I chuckled when I saw this, and then sat down, took a piece of paper and a pen out of the binder, and began to write. Within a few moments, my girlfriend saw me writing and asked, "What are you doing?"

I answered, "Why... My Darling... I am composing a missive, which, upon completion, I shall dispatch to my parents, by courier, with all due haste." Seriously? Who writes a letter and mails it from their hotel? However, if you believe that some people actually do this... What percentage of hotel guests hand-write letters in their rooms, and what percentage of guests use toothpaste? If you're providing stationery, then you should be providing toothpaste.

3) Resort Fee: It's not really an amenity, but the Resort Fee is a real deal-breaker for me... right along with being charged for WiFi. If you're a hotel owner or in hotel management, and your hotel charges a Resort Fee... allow me to let you in on a little secret... You're a Huge Douchebag! This is right up there with that absurd "Documentation Fee" that car dealerships charge. Well, folks... That's called "The Cost of Doing Business." It's not your customer's or your client's responsibility to pay your expenses and your employees' wages.

I did have some fun with this on one occasion. I had just finished expressing my displeasure with the Resort Fee in a conversation with the Resort's manager. I didn't get openly angry about it. I just finally gave in, and said, "OK... I understand." The manager was amazed and surprised at how suddenly I just gave up, and my calm and pleasant attitude. I was even smiling.

The manager said, "Oh... Well... Thank you for understanding. I hope that we will see you again soon."

Still calm and smiling, I answered, "I will never again return to this resort, sir." I had just slipped his hotel's corporate comment card into my bag.

He asked, "I'm sorry to hear that. I know that you are not pleased with the Resort Fee. But you were pleased with everything else, right? You're going to send that comment card in with all 'Fives', right?"

I answered, "You're getting Ones or Zeros... whatever the lowest number is... across the board."

He said, "Because of the Resort Fee? That's not fair!"

I said, "Neither is your ridiculous Resort Fee. Either get rid of it, or roll it into the price of the rooms."


I did the same thing at a car dealership, when I bought a new car. Even after making it very clear that the agreed-upon price was an Absolutely Final, all-inclusive price, to which the Dealership agreed... verbally, with a handshake, and via email... This $250 "Documentation Fee" -- which I refer to as the "Oh... I forgot to mention that the customer pays my employees' salaries and my business expenses Fee" -- showed up on the contract. The Sales Manager got all huffy when I refused to pay it, saying, "Well... You know that it costs us Money to do the documentation and file it with the government!" I immediately gave up, smiled cheerfully, and said happily, "OK... I'll pay it. In fact... Just go ahead and make it $500."

Both the Sales Manager and the Guy who pretends that it takes 30 minutes to complete the sales paperwork, while he's trying to sell you Scotchgard for $900, kind of looked at me with a blank stare. After a few seconds, the Sales Manager said, "No. The documentation fee is only $250."

I answered, "Just for saying that... The documentation fee is now $750. Care to make it $1000? You either sell me that car for the agreed-upon price, plus $750, right now, or release me from my obligation to buy this car and tell me to leave your dealership."

[by the way... the car was a Special Order which I had been waiting on for 3 months]

The Sales Manager said, "I don't understand why you're getting so upset about this. Every car dealership charges a documentation fee."

I answered, "$1000 it is. Anything else? Care to go for $1250?"

He finally just printed out the final contract with a $1000 documentation fee. As I left the dealership, he said, "I don't understand why you got so upset. So you paid me an extra $750. I'm $750 richer. What do you think that you just proved? What point do you think that you just made?"

I answered, calm and smiling and happily, "Do I really have to answer that question? You already know the answer. You've known it your whole life. You are a vile, dishonest, disgusting waste of human flesh. You have no integrity or honor. I came in here, with all honesty and open arms, prepared to pay the precise amount for this car that we agreed upon, which is clearly stated in the final email that you sent to me. However... You felt the need to lie, and squeeze another $250 out of me. I'm happy to pay you that $1000. Because I'm Better than You... and I always will be. And no matter what you say... In your heart, you KNOW that I'm right."

He said, "Whatever, dude. Fine. I guess we're getting all zeros on the customer survey, then."

I answered, "Nope. I'm giving you and your dealership the highest possible rating... Absolutely Perfect... across the board, with a glowing report and comments."

12-06-2015, 07:51 PM
Went off on a little tangent there. Sorry about that. Back to the useless hotel amenities...

4) The 2-piece clothes hangers, which are designed to prevent people from stealing coat hangers. I guess this has actually been a problem, at some point in the distant past. But talk about a petulant, junior-high-school solution! I have never done it, but I know several people who have taken the bottom half of those hangers home with them, or just tossed them into the ocean, just to show how pissed-off they are at basically being accused of being a thief. There are no anti-theft features on the towels or iPod-dock Clock/Radio, but those clothes hangers are Secure!

5) The DVD player... but the Resort doesn't even have any DVDs that you can borrow.

6) No English-language TV Channels... at a Resort that is clearly targeting visitors from the USA and Canada.

12-06-2015, 08:09 PM
Now... On to a third category of hotel amenities...

Not amenities that every hotel should offer...

Not useless hotel amenities...

Rather... Those amenities that make you say, "Now That is a Sweet Bonus!"

1) The Bidet toilet seat: I experienced this for the first time, many years ago, at a hotel in Tokyo. I sat down on the toilet, and about 1/2 second later, I said to myself, "Ooooooohhhh! That's Nice!"

That toilet seat was as warm as a summer day.

Then... I did my business. As I was doing my business, I noticed that on the bathroom wall to my right was a little keypad. Each key or button was labeled with a human stick figure. Those stick figures were shown in various positions, with streams of water being directed at them from various directions. After carefully perusing the keypad, I focused on the stick figure that looked like a man who had just taken a huge shit, with a stream of water being shot up his asshole. I thought to myself, "That looks like me", and pressed the button. Then... OOoooooohhhh! That's Awesome!

2) In-Room Valet: I use this service in my own business. I wish that I could take credit for it, but I cannot. I first experienced this about 20 years ago. I remember that the valet did ask me, when I arrived at the resort, "May I open and unpack your bags, sir?" I answered, "Yes", but I didn't think much about it, at that time. After touring the resort, I headed to my room. All of my stuff had been meticulously unpacked, organized, and either folded or hung in the closet.